Whew

K. Keep on keeping on right?
No chantix no nicotine... and just to add more pain I am slowing down on the intake of coffee. Why? No, I do not like the pain but I would rather get all of the withdrawls done at once instead of dragging them out over time.
The nicotine withdrawls for the most part is gone. Now it's my mind that keeps trying to make it rationale for me to have just one.
Nope. I am done this time. I have quit many times. I have never felt more confortable saying. I am a non-smoker.
You know what? it feels damn good. I am loving it. I played soccer with the kids tonight and was glad to see that 1 could without losing my breathe. ahhh...
Coming up on two weeks and I think this is the last post that will focus on the pain of it. I am a non-smoker..... turn the page.

Day Nine

Ok.. haven't been the best at posting. I have an excuse, reason, rationale..whatever you like to call it. The days of bliss that I spoke of earlier did not last long. Friday was a no good very bad day. I noticed something after I came home. I was feeling very depressed. I knew about the chances of this from the drug and did not like feeling that way at all. I am generally a happy person. I even had the kids on Saturday and we had a great day. My daughter made the cheering squad, we went shopping to replace the quickly growing out of clothes, went to see the Bee Movie with friends, and then went out eat at the Red Robin in Augusta. Great place, great day.....but I didn't enjoy it. I was close to a tear all day.
I had had enough. I am supposed to take two pills a day. I didn't take the second dose.
I made a choice, I am quitting smoking because I don't want to be controlled by a substance. Well, I was not about to be controlled by a medical drug either. So, what am i left with. Chantix is a fairly potent drug that my body is withdrawing from as well as the remnants of withdrawls from nicotine.
My body is a mess, my mind has left me, but already here on Tuesday morning I noticed my spirits picking up.
My body and mind will soon follow suit.
I am glad that I am writing this blog, so that I can remember these occurrences and not have them repeated.
Off to work I go

Happy Halloween

Day Three
Actually pretty good. I had many moments of wanting a cigarette, but today they are controllable. I think about the desire, but am able to put my mind elsewhere, for the most part. The coughing has also gone down and I am beginning to feel more awake. Many quitting DRAINS you.
I hope that it wasn't all the candy I ate today.... can't keep that up all the time.
That was one thing that helped today. I went out and bought a bunch of gum/lifesavers last night. When I wanted a cig, I popped one of them in. it didn't replace the sensation of smoke in my lungs... but helped ease the craving.
It's crazy that a thing like smoke in the lungs.. the thing that cause damage lungs can actually feel gratifying.

Halloween was great. Although I didn't walk around with my kids this year... I was actually able to stay home. Even though I missed my kids, it was nice to see the neighborhood children all decked out. Also nice to be able to be all dressed up myself and still get work done (I was the Black Knight-Thanks Scott)
Well, I'm beat and off for now.

Day Two

Second day of not smoking...
Anger of allowing myself to smoke still there. Coughing is in abundance. Lethargy is rampant. I don't even know how I am able to stay up so late. The good thing is that I was given some more of the Chantix from a good friend of mine who it did not work for. So now I have two more weeks of which to get over these nic fits. My daughter gave me a big hug today and said that I was doing a good job.... I love my kids :)
That really wiped out a lot of the anxiety that I had been feeling, I hadn't realized that it wasn't a cigarette I was needing..just a hug.
I really feel like I can do this, that this will be successful. I didn't make a big deal of it like I did before, and now I am doing it for me, not being pressured by anyone. The pressure I give myself is enough. I know I am not out of the woods yet. I have many more days and moments of weakness to overcome. I just have to remember why I am doing this and keep keeping on.
One strange thing happened this morning. I realized how badly I stunk as a smoker... I turned on the heat to my car and was like.. "Whoa what is that smell?" It was the pungent aroma of stale cigarettes. I almost lost it there in the car. I opened the window and it didn't get much better. I made it to work and could still smell myself throughout the morning. I still smelled the nasty aroma. AND I DIDN"T SMOKE! I can't believe that I used to stink WORSE than that and I used to think that I aired out the car enough not to stink...
Guess not, even not smoking for over 36 hrs and airing out the car resulted in the car and me stinking like crazy. New car air fresheners bought and installed....
Now to wash all my coats and sweatshirts....
Blah. Its' not worth it.

October 28th

Ok, I know it's not October 28th anymore. One day late there Bridges..right? October 28th is a special day for me. It is the last day that I will be a smoker. Yeah right? I know, no guarantees in life. But please, to all my friends, if you ever see my with another cig "Knock Me Down" (Red Hot Chili Peppers). I hate nicotine. I hate the control it had on me. I hate that I have to pause from writing this to cough because my lungs are trying to get rid of all this junk I have put in my lungs.
I am young, and aside from the tar and nicotine, rather healthy. Happy? I am happy, why would you think I wasn't happy you ungrateful little..... sorry. Nic fit.
I have two wonderful children who's hugs bring me joy, love and peace. Who's smile can fill my heart and who's future looks bright. I need to be there to witness that future. I have a great job, a sturdy house, and enough stuff to make one complete.
So, why smoke? Hmm... weakness. Am I weak? In most of my life I would say no, but I am quick to be weak, when I have the time to think, my strength rises. So that's what I have to work on, Immediate strength. Strength to not fall prey to the whims or the impulses that will pass. I have been smoke free for months and love it. I know what happens when i say.. oh just this once or I can stop. I can't and I can't do this again. This is it. This is the perfect time. Long before the stress of Holiday shopping, of taxes, and long before the weakest time for me to fight nicotine.... the summer.
So, those who read this....if you are a smoker or not Listen to this song
(tried to add but it took over 1/2 hr....the song is "last Cigarette by Paranoid Social Club)


A friend was hearing me rant about my dislike of nicotine and suggested I start my blog. Good Idea I thought, record what I am going through now, if ever I think I could pick up another again.
Enough for one night.... I'm tired.

ACTEM

Last Friday, I was in attendance to my first ACTEM conference. Why my first? I don't have an answer to that. I know that I didn't even know about ACTEM. Again why? I guess it has something to do with my lack of blogging and networking with the right people. Well, finally I have attended. I will be an attendee every year from now on.
I loved every minute of it. I loved being in the same room as over 900 geeks. That in itself was great. I also liked hearing about the new issues, gagets and more.
It energized me to enact some changes and updates that I have been meaning to do, but didn't know enough about or wasn't sure I would be doing it right or safely.
Ok, that might have been a bit vague, but if I keep up with this, It will all be explained.
It's late and I have more work to do on the website, so for now... that's all.
I will try to do better than a post every 4 months.

First Post

Just starting this and wanted to post. Have a lot of grading to do, so more will come. Enjoy it for now.